And now things are truly sizzling with episode five, The Door! We’re only midway through the season, and this episode was so action packed with standout performances by Sophie Turner and Pilou Asbaek. Also, the first gratuitous nudity in a while: STD riddled penis and a pair of boobs. Though sometimes I think Game of Thrones can be used as sex aversion therapy, because so many much sad, sad boobs.
Death count: 10-20?*
Hodor (torn to pieces by White Walkers)
Leaf & friends (torn to pieces by White Walkers and/or blown up)
Summer (torn to pieces by White Walkers)
The Three Eyed Raven (stabbed by the Night King)
* white walkers do not count
Unfortunately, there were no fathers present this week so the Shitty Dad Award is not awarded.
Sansa gets a letter from Littlefinger and she goes to meet him with Brienne. She gives him an earful for abandoning her, and he is unable to convince her that he is her friend. Sophie Turner gives a standout performance of letting our minds wonder and curl in disgust at just what Ramsey did to her that she’s still physically hurting from. She lets Littlefinger live and he tells her that Byrnden Blackfish has retaken Riverrun, but who knows if that’s true? I’m not going to waste time discussing whether or not Littlefinger felt bad; I’m sure he’ll recover. Did anyone notice that he didn’t promise to bring her Ramsey’s head on a platter?
Anyway, some vestigial trust makes her believe him and when she later tells Jon Snow and company that they have the Tully army on their side. She sends Brienne to go get the Tullys, while she and Jon try to round up the lesser houses.
Also, the Knights of the Vale are at Moat Cailin.
More tiresome fight training, and the Waif continues to mock her, now as Lady Stark. Despite the Faceless Man having reservations, she is given her first hit: Lady Crane. It is also revealed that they take the faces of their hits…so maybe that’s why he was mad about her killing that Gold Cloak.
When she goes to see the show, we’re rewarded to a pro-Lannister retelling of Game of Thrones. Robert Baratheon is a drunk, Cersei is a devoted wife, Joffrey is an angelic princeling, Tyrion is a lecherous villain, and Ned Stark is an overly ambitious country bumpkin.
Arya starts questioning the hit, and thinks the one who ordered it is the Sansa actress. The Faceless man replies that, “a servant does not ask questions.”
Really Far North
Bran Stark and the Three Eyed Raven watch the “first” white walker being made. The children of the forest stick a piece of magical rock in a human sacrifice. Leaf reveals that they made the white walkers, because Men were hunting them.
Bran then goes walking by himself. He sees the Night King who touches him. Yes, Bran was really stupid to do it, but we all knew he was going to wander alone by himself eventually. And it’s way too impossibly difficult for the Three Eyed Raven to tell Bran not to wander alone, because the Night King has psychic powers.
Anyway, the Night King now knows where they are now, and they must go. But first, the Three Eyed Raven has to upload himself into Bran…and a tree connection is even slower than dial up. I hope it’s super important stuff in addition to Bran watching old family films. I mean, I would have preferred fast forwarded footage or watching a village grow and contract over time. Anyway, Bran and Meera barely make it out alive and lose Summer, the direwolf, and Hodor.
Meera is barely able to drag Bran out through the backdoor and Hodor is forced to stay behind and “hold the door” against ice zombies which sparks an epileptic seizure in the past. It’s kind of open to the interpretation what happened. Is Bran somehow forcing Hodor to stay in that state to help him escape? Or is Hodor/Wyllis so mentally scarred from being torn to death in the future that he is broken from the time that he’s fourteen or so? Jumping to the Meereen storyline, was Hodor’s hodor-ness part of a bigger plan like the new scary-ass Red Priestess says?
Yara Greyjoy wants the Salt Throne, but the ironborn are misogynists. Someone puts forth Theon Greyjoy, who after a tense moment supports Yara’s claim. Everything seems okay until Euron Greyjoy shows up to snatch up the salt throne. Yara “cleverly” accuses Euron of murdering Balon, and Euron doesn’t deny it. In fact, he apologizes for not doing it sooner.
Then he launches into his master plan of joining Daenerys Targeryn and throwing down the Westeros lords, which admittedly is a pretty good plan because she doesn’t have a fleet. While Euron is being crowned, Yara and Theon flee with their supporters with the best of the fleet. The iron born are pretty bad ass if drowning is part of the king making process.
Vaes Dothrak/ Meereen
Daenerys prepares to break up with Jorah Mormount once again, but then he reveals that he’s dying and he loves her, and okay, he’ll go now. So sorry. Goodbye. But after his sob story, Dany feels bad so she orders him to go find the cure and return to her, which is really stupidly wistful thinking. She also wears a sexy black T.
Meanwhile, Tyrion’s political maneuvering has created a temporary truce, but he wants to bring it up to another level by winding up the propaganda machine. And judging from the propaganda play in Braavos, that isn’t a bad idea. He knows just the person to trust, and no, it’s not Missandei or Greyworm, it’s *drumroll* another red priestess named Kinvara (Ania Bukstein), who is scary as hell.
Varys is suspicious, because of his childhood castration by another follower of the Red God, but Tyrion is adamant and the red priestess somehow knows the details. She announces that she will have a network of priests spread the word that Daenerys is the Azor Ahai or the “one who is promised.”
So, is everything fated to happen? Do terrible things like castration, rape, and brain damaging epilepsy happen for a reason? That’s what Kinvara, the new Red Priestess, claims. She argues that if Varys was not castrated, he wouldn’t be so powerful. But she’s really scary and every cell of my body is protesting no, no, no. Things do not happen for a reason, we just have to deal with what we’re dealt with.
This week our heroes are all dealing with bad deals. Yara and Theon have fled Euron Greyjoy, their monstrous murderous uncle. Though the ironborn in general seem to be a real disloyal bunch. One moment you’re a presumptive nominee to the throne and the next, you’re on a wanted list. The other brother, Victarion, seems to be written out.
Euron Greyjoy, for all his plainspoken-ness, has some of the best lines this week: Build me a thousand ships, and I will give you the world.
Meanwhile, Tyrion seems to have made a deal with the devil with this fanatic Red Goddess who
may or may not burn non-believers is totally burning non-believers and also probably really old. Arya Stark seems to be inevitably set up to murder one of her family members. I feel like any episode now, Jaqen H’ghar (Tom Wlaschiha) is going to ask her to kill Jon Snow or someone. There’s one reason why lords and ladies aren’t part of the Faceless Men, because aristocrats are very inbred and cousins with everyone. Or…what if there was a hit on her beloved father Ned Stark, Brandon Stark, etc?
There is also the theory that Bran fucked everything up with his time-warging, but if that’s true, the writers are ballsier than I imagined because it cheapens everything in the past. But more importantly, was all of Westeros and mild, green paradise before the Children fucked it up? Where the White Walkers are gathered seems to the be the place of the first sacrifice: a huge tree surrounded by stones. Except now it’s a snowy wasteland? Are the super weird seasons (years long summers and winters) due to the Children of the Forest? Or was the sacrifice during a particularly balmy summer?
Anyway, great episode, lots of food for thought. Like what exactly have the White Walkers been doing all this time?
Cupcake Enjoyment Rating: 4.5/5
Carrot Quality Rating: 4.5/5