Two weeks late on the account of a wedding, this Game of Thrones review is a double feature: Blood of My Blood and No One. For Blood of My Blood, there was also an unheard of death count of zero, which was followed by a massacre in No One. But many happy returns to our favorite fathers: Randall Tarly and Walder Frey (who is technically a grandfather/ great grandfather?)
The Body Count for No One:
- a lot of pacifists (slaughtered)
Way Up North
We pick up where we left off with Meera having gained an improbable lead over the white walkers. Bran is still waring/ finishing his download/upload. Meera is sobbing in terror, yet still unwilling to abandon Bran. He wakes up to announce that the white walkers have found them — no shit — and she’s still apologizing.
Mystery man ninja rescues them with fire and weapons, and they ride off. Later, he gives Bran rabbit blood and prepares rabbit for dinner. He also reveals that he’s Benjen Stark, and part white walker.
Sam is a nervous wreck as they go to meet his family. Despite a warm welcome from his mother and sister, the actual meeting is worse than anyone could have imagined. Randall insults Sam and Gilly, but after his wife walks out of dinner in a huff, he backs down and deigns to allow Gilly to work in the kitchens. The bastard will be raised at Horn Hill, no doubt being treated like crap and told about his awful father.
After Sam has a tearful goodbye with Gilly, he changes his mind and flees the castle with Heartsbane in tow.
Tommen is seduced by High Sparrow, and the Lannister-Tyrell alliance is checkmated by the Lannister-Tyrell-Sparrow triumvirate (with the High Sparrow, of course, being one Julius Caesar). Lingering questions remain: Has Margery been brainwashed? She speaks in such vague terms that I’m wondering if she’s just sussing Tommen out. Has she thrown Loras to the wolves?
Anyway, we get to see Oleanna tell her stupid son Mace that they’ve been beaten, and Jaime gets kicked out of the Kingsguard. He’s being sent instead to help pacify/ take back the Riverlands from Brynden “Blackfish” Tully.
Cerise assures him that she’ll be fine. She has the Mountain after all. They make obligatory kissy-face.
In “No One,” Margeary sounds every bit a brainwashed and broken robot queen. Not only has she memorized the Book of the Mother, and is going forever about how terrible she was before she saw the light. The Sparrow has a patronizing talk about her womanly duty to bear Tommen an heir. He also threatens her grandmother Oleanna.
I only pray your grandmother follows your lead, or I fear for her safety body and soul.
Margeary is forced to send her dearest and strongest ally away for her own safety, but not before conveying that she is still loyal to her house.
Cersei goes to gloat/ beg Oleanna to stay and protect King’s Landing with the Tyrell forces, but Oleanna slams her down.
The play again. We get to see Joffrey’s death and Tywin’s flatulent death. The redhead stands in the wings and mouths Cersei/ Lady Crane’s words. It’s good to see the show poking run at itself, because the plot is comedic. Arya (codename Mercy) poisons the wine, but after some kind words from Lady Crane, she changes her mind. Unfortunately, Arya is being spied on by the Waif and Jaqen gives her the go ahead to kill Arya.
In No One, Arya tries to book passage for Westeros, but she gets stabbed by the Waif and wanders through the streets bleeding profusely. Or is it really Arya? Is the title of the episode of a clue? Is it Arya or just no one?
Walder Frey upbraids his progeny for losing River Run and Brynden Tully. He pulls out Edmure Tully (Tobias Menzies) from the dungeons and sends him back to Riverrun.
In No One, The Hound aka Sandor Clegane is still alive. He was saved by Septon Kay (Ian McShane) and has joined a church group. Even though he’s powered by hate, he still sticks around and chops a lot of wood. Until Lem
Lemontree Lemoncloak (Jóhannes Haukur) and two cronies come and murder everyone.
Also, Jamie Lannister arrives at Riverrun with sidekick Bronn to witness the worst siege ever. Bronn is awesome and cuts everyone down to size, even himself. Even though Jamie Lannister is humiliated by Brynden “Blackfish” Tully, it looks like he’ll probably put the siege in order by the next episode.
A Week’s Ride from Meereen
Daenerys levels up, controls Drogo, and promotes her khalasar to blood riders. She’s going back to Westeros, bitches. And also, Daario has so mehow picked Dothraki in like a week.
Apparently, all Daenerys ever needed to control her dragons was confidence and knowledge that she’s fireproof. Though probably not maul-proof.
The Wall/ The North
Jon Snow is able to convince the Wildings to fight for him, with a lot of help from Tormund Giantsbane and Wun Wun. Sansa, while bossy, has less luck with the impressive Lyanna Mormont (Jessica Ramsey), the Lady of Bear Island, and Ser Davos Seaworth has to use his salty, plainspoken charm to convince the Lady to supply sixty-two men. Jon and Sansa fail again with the Glovers. Sansa snips at Jon Snow for listening to Davos, and is then seen sending a secret raven (to Littlefinger?).
Yara Greyjoy takes Theon Greyjoy and her crew to a brothel before they set off to Meereen. She also tells Theon that he should kill himself or get over himself.
A lot of things are happening and it’s a welcome change from the slow boil of the first few episodes, but it’s still unclear what’s actually going on or going down:
A lot people have been conjecturing that the TV show will realign a bit with the books (e.g. Lady Stoneheart), but that doesn’t seem as much fun to conjecture about playing with the puzzle pieces we already have.
- The Sparrow seems to have moved away from genuine chaos to a long game of church-controlled monarchy.
- The Hound is probably going to go on a murderous rampage after the Brotherhood, but who else is going to run into on the way? Brienne? Or other old faces like Jamie and Bronn?
- Also, on a side note, the Brotherhood can’t be doing a good job if the Septon didn’t even know who they were.
- The Lannister-Tyrell alliance is over, and Cersei is going to meet her trial by combat. What does the Sparrow have up his sleeve? I don’t think he has his claws deep enough in Tommen to kill his mother.
- Also, is Margaery currently playing to survive or does she have a master endplan?
- How cool would it be if Arya teamed up with the Greyjoys and went to Meereen?